The PAC Man Cometh.

meph

Like Indiana Jones upon a quest for ancient gold

Incumbents seek for treasure with a gusto that is bold.

In Kansas and Nebraska and in other close-run states

They believe that PAC alone can guarantee their fates.

 

For PACs contribute tens of thousands to their fav’rite cause;

So they are regarded as an arm of Santa Clause.

Should you wish to run for office in this noble land,

Kissing all the right backsides will net you ninety-grand.

 

And when you are in office and the PAC man comes a calling

It’s no use to temporize; he’ll tell you to quit stalling.

You are bought and paid for; now it’s time to earn your keep.

I’ll say this for your masters – they most surely don’t work cheap.

 

Of course, you may be honest and as moral as can be,

And maybe contributions from the PAC are far from thee.

If so, you have my sympathy – for office you’ll not gain.

Instead you’ll write bad poetry like me, and all in vain.

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repub

This perspicacious political post is brought to you by the Republican National Party.  Only they can save America.

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The Very Eccentric Hobby of Cornelius Veldhosen.

Cornelius Veldhosen

Cornelius Veldhosen

Many cinema buffs were enchanted by Woody Allen’s film Zelig, in which Allen the director took his movie character and placed him in doctored newsreel footage of famous events, so that he appeared to hobnob with the likes of Al Capone, Herbert Hoover, and Adolf Hitler.

Dutch shipping magnate Cornelius Veldhosen has stolen a march on Mr. Allen, and is quietly buying up the rights to American films of the 30’s and 40’s so he can place himself unobtrusively in them.

He began this odd hobby in 1998, when he purchased the rights to Frank Capra’s movie Meet John Doe.  Working with a team of graphic and video experts, Veldhosen removed the character of the Afro-American janitor seen scrubbing floors at the end of the film and put himself in the role instead.  Then he allowed the rights to the film to go public, so it is now offered on Youtube and other video websites free of charge.

Enchanted with the results, he next bought the rights to all 16 Boston Blackie films – B movies produced by Columbia Pictures in the early 40’s.  In each film’s denouement, while Boston Blackie is explaining to a room full of murder suspects who the real culprit is, Mr. Veldhosen can be seen calmly sitting in one of the chairs, puffing on a cigar and looking rather smug.

In 2013 the Paris Times Herald interviewed Mr. Veldhosen, asking him why he is spending a significant portion of his fortune on this eccentric venture.

He replied with a shrug and said “I wanted to invade cinema history and make it topsy turvy.”

He said his next project involves the Roy Rogers cowboy movie catalogue, where he hopes to be able to supplant character actor Gabby Hayes.

The Film Historical Society of The Hague, Holland, has labeled Mr. Veldhosen’s peculiar hobby as “Monstrous and insane.”  They have filed a court order in Los Angeles, California, to prevent him from completing the project, which Veldhosen claims is already halfway complete.

 

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thongsook

This interesting blog is brought to you by Thongsook College, of Bangkok, Thailand.  They offer a streamlined Bacherlor’s Degree in Teaching English as a Foreign Language.

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Hans Haacke. (Dedicated to Randy Kennedy at the NYT)

haacke

An artist is a pimp or whore, or else he is Hans Haacke –

A paragon that Fonzie Bear would praise with “Waka! Waka!”

His noble brow is never sullied by daguerreotype.

He spurns the art fair with its circus airs and tawdry hype.

 

Museums did not like his work, in fact they did suppress it.

But nowadays the curators do nothing but all bless it.

His work is sought by galleries, displayed in pride of place.

He takes it with a manly air and cultivated grace.

 

O were that I could half succeed as well as Mr. Hans

In marketing my moodiness with string and rubber bands!

But Lady Luck (or lack of wit) hath made me so plebeian

That my work is lesser known than any old Achaean.

 

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The Swedes & the Sub. (Dedicated to Dan Bilefsky)

sub

They sought it here, they sought it there;

In the water, in the air.

But the Swedes could not detect

Any sub that was suspect.

 

They marched out troops, they mapped out zones;

They even flew a couple drones.

All their fine technology

Could have found a Russian flea.

 

Though they played it fast and loose,

Chasing down this lone wild goose,

Swedes no longer harbor dread

That a sub is ‘neath their bed.

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walgreens

This sprightly rhyme is brought to you by Walgreens Drug Stores.  Their pharmacy is open 24/7.

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Six Holidays You Never Knew You Needed.

holidayinn

We don’t know how it happened, but every year on September 19th people with nothing better to do celebrate International Talk like a Pirate Day.  Except it should be called International Talk like Robert Newton Day, since the British actor was the one to come up with the stereotypical pirate accent and vocabulary when he played Long John Silver.

The holiday referred to above is symptomatic of our disturbing descent into triviality.  We must have something to celebrate every day of the year, no matter how inconsequential.  That being the case, here are 6 holidays you can use to fool your friends and maybe fool your boss into giving you it off:

  1. October 3. International Walk Like a Can Opener Day.  Canned goods are not going away anytime soon, and neither are can openers.  Just how you would walk like a can opener is not something we care to speculate on right now – we had a bad night.  However, someone somewhere will undoubtedly figure it out and then there will be Can Opener Marathons for charity.
  2. November 13. International Old Timey Radio Day.  This could almost be a legitimate holiday, if we chose to focus on talents like Jack Benny and Edward R. Murrow.  But we don’t so choose.  Instead, the day is dedicated to the likes of Vic and Sade, Lum and Abner, and Colonel Stoopnagle.  Never heard of them?  Well, take the day off from work and listen to their scratchy recordings on Youtube!
  3. December 14. International Sandpaper Appreciation Day.  Where would we be without sandpaper?  Especially in kindergarten, where it is wrapped around two wooden blocks and then rubbed together as some kind of percussion instrument.  Try using it as wallpaper.  Or as a placemat at dinner.  Carry some in your purse or wallet.  See how it chews.  And then collapse in existential despair when you learn there is no sand in sandpaper – only aluminum oxide.
  4. January 2. Prinking Day.  This is a made up old English custom, wherein the village squire would go from hovel to hovel on Prinking day to distribute gilded pine cones and hand-turned splinters to his poor shivering and starving tenants.  Today we celebrate this old English custom by going to the Mall to shop and eating at an overpriced Japanese noodle house run by some big box store.
  5. February 22. Leap Day.  Due to an astronomical miscalculation, we have to add one minute to one day each year in order to even things out and not be called in for an audit by the IRS.  So February 22nd has been arbitrarily chosen to tack on the sixty seconds.  Just think of all you can do with this extra minute in your life!  We personally recommend you spend it rubbing two sandpaper blocks together.
  6. March 4.   International Bird Call Day.  What fun!  Everyone packs a picnic lunch of hard boiled eggs, Triscuits, and lemon curd to take into the woods.  After lunch and a nap, everyone finds a comfortable spot and starts calling “Hey birds!”  The fun only ends when the park rangers chase everyone away.

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This celebratory blog is brought to you by Walmart.  They can fill all your calendar needs — and if you need more than one calendar in your life we sure feel sorry for YOU!

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I’ve Never Had a Gucci . . .

flush

I’ve never had a Gucci; I hope I never do.

Luxury is something that oft leaves me feeling blue.

Not the waste or folly, not the price or scale;

But the style of living that it must entail.

 

Butlers, yachts, piazzas; these I do abhor.

Solariums, The Hamptons; don’t mention any more!

It’s not the filthy lucre that will make me look askance.

Rather, it’s the fact I must wear clean and decent pants

 

I’m used to sloven liftestyle, where Gucci would stand out

Like an orchid on the coat of raffish race track tout.

A slob like me is comfy with duds at second hand,

And cattle are the only things that need to show a brand.

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lolo

This egalitarian blog is brought to you by Lo Lo’s Fresh Food Warehouse.  If your woodger is not fresh when you buy it, we will gladly replace it with two more!

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A Response to Marie Kondo’s book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.

kondo

I cannot, will not, understand the bias against clutter.

Tossing out a piece of string is sure to make me mutter.

Man defines himself by all the stuff he can accrue,

From bowling balls to fondue pots to postcards from Baku.

 

It doesn’t matter whether something has a use at all;

As long as it is MINE it holds me in a kind of thrall.

Do not ask me to eject a tattered shirt or sock;

I do not think I could survive the anger or the shock.

 

You cannot take it with you, sages past have always raved;

But I am hoping in my case the ruling might be waived.

Do ancient pharaohs live forever in their pyramid?

So I will burrow through my stuff like ageless annelid!

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