Eight Ways to Take Advantage of the Next Black Hole to Appear in Your Back Yard.

blackhole

 

Things are going along pretty nicely when suddenly you wake up one morning to find a Black Hole in your backyard.  There’s no need to panic or call 911; this is a common, everyday occurrence around the world.  People have been dealing with Black Holes in their back yards for many years without turning so much as a hair, and you can too.  Now if it was a Black Hole in your FRONT yard that would be a true catastrophe.  But, as we say, most Black Holes pop up overnight in the backyard, and here are 8 tips on what to do with them.

  1. No more recycling worries! Just toss everything you don’t want or need any more into your convenient Black Hole.  We do suggest you put a fence around it, to keep anything (or anyone) from falling into it by “accident”.  Ha.
  2. Troll for Captain Janeway. She’s still in there somewhere, despite the Hollywood happy ending they tried to fob off on us!  Rig up some 20 lb fishing line and bait it with a thermos of strong black coffee –she always did like her java that way!
  3. Nasturtiums do very well as a border for Black Holes. You won’t need to water them; your Black Hole will manage to pull down plenty of rain clouds as they try to pass overhead.
  4. Since Black Holes generate an inconceivable amount of energy, you can jury rig a power outlet that will run every electric appliance in your home.  Just invite some of the boys from the Large Hadron Collider over in Switzerland to stop by for a barbeque and ask them to hook it up for you – they’ll be glad to oblige after they’ve had a couple of beers.
  5. The Event Horizon is a good place to build a gazebo. The view is amazing.  And you won’t be bothered by mosquitos.
  6. While Black Holes themselves are completely noiseless, some of the items they suck in may make quite a racket – such as airplanes, utility lines, nervous people, or buildings. To muffle any unpleasant sound we suggest you replace the nasturtiums with a hawthorn hedge.
  7. Occasionally something from another dimension may force its way out of your Black Hole and want to hang around the neighborhood. Most of these disgusting things are not malignant, just curious.  It’s best to have a very large shop vac on hand, so you can clean them up as they enter our world; most landfills will take them off your hands for an additional fee.
  8. Black Holes do have a tendency to meander. This means that your Black Hole may wind up in the neighbor’s yard, or even out in the street where it might disrupt traffic.  If your Black Hole wants to wander you can keep it in place by offering it sacrifices while dressed in a grass skirt with your face painted deep purple.  Just bow down before it, chanting “Bugawuga mufu, O mighty one!”  and throw chicken gizzards into it.  It’ll settle right down and become like a member of your own family in no time.

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This scientific blog is brought to you by America First Credit Union.  They understand your needs and budget, and they are so honest you can set your watch by them!

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Ode to Marijuana.

groovy

Smoking marijuana is not harmful, but a treat.

Its medicinal effects will soothe a headache or a gleet.

It concentrates the mind, increases healthy appetite

And gives the world a rosy glow, extinguishing all spite.

 

For simple recreation it is better than strong drink.

No nicotine to poison you and make an awful stink.

A gateway drug?  I doubt it; it’s as mild as herbal tea.

It is so inexpensive you can use it constantly.

 

When you take it . . . something something something toodle-loo.

Just follow my example . . . yada yada poopy-doo.

My intellects are . . . tum tee tum tee tum tee tum tee tum.

Take the morning gravy train and beat me with a drum.

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Grandpa Ate the Leftovers. Ode to Old Age.

oldman

Grandpa ate the leftovers, now isn’t that a shame.

We took him in because he was so old and very lame.

But Grandpa ate the leftovers, so what are we to do?

Condoning such behavior will not bring back any stew.

 

Grandpa ate the leftovers, we thought he was aware

That he cannot look in the fridge and let out the cold air.

We’re glad to have him staying, but he must learn to respect

Our feelings when he goes and eats a piece of bread unchecked.

 

Grandpa ate the leftovers, and consequences follow

Ev’ry single morsel that he did so rudely swallow.

We’ll take away his walker, make him sit in a “time-out.”

Take away his prune juice, give him bacon for his gout.

 

Grandpa ate the leftovers — that wasn’t very nice;

Not when you consider that we let him have free ice.

His bed is comfy cozy and his sheets are washed with care

Once a year, the same time as we do his underwear.

 

Grandpa ate the leftovers, when he was left alone,

Sitting with the land line listening in to the dial tone.

He’s home alone most all the time; we have to work, you know.

And on the weekends we so like to catch a Broadway show.

 

Grandpa ate the leftovers; if Grandma were alive

He would not so smugly live at our expense and thrive.

But she is dead and buried – leastways that is what they said

When the home threw out her bags and reassigned her bed.

 

Grandpa ate the leftovers, and showing no remorse.

We would have a nose bleed if we were up on his high horse.

We don’t charge him anything, not even a deposit,

For his lovely sitting room inside the linen closet.

 

Grandpa ate the leftovers, our food budget is shot.

Next he’ll want a trip to someplace warm like Montserrat.

His room and board are killing us, we’re at his call and beck!

(But please do not explain to him we cash his pension check.)

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Ode to Peru.

tower

In countries like Peru they’re very proud that Europeans

Built their infrastructure, cuz it shows they ain’t plebeians.

Peruvians particularly think that Gustave Eiffel

Built half of their country; it’s a myth they will not stifle.

 

Now I’m not one to point the finger or give a loud raspberry

To any country that erects that kind of dreamy eyrie.

But if old Monsieur Eiffel built as much as their romance

Proclaims, why then he never had the time to live in France!

 

But ev’ry country has conceits that mold its pride and bearing;

Some are rather modest, but the most part are quite daring.

Here in the United States we have a lot, I fear.

Such as hovels that proclaim “George Washington Slept Here”.

wash

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Meow!

cat

October 29, 2014 is

National Cat Day

Today is National Cat Day! “What greater gift than the love of a cat?” Charles Dickens once mused. Cats are one of the most beloved human companions of all time. They were first domesticated in the Middle East’s Fertile Crescent as early as 12,000 years ago. When humans relied on hunting as their main source of food, dogs were most useful – but when the first agricultural societies emerged, cats became invaluable. Domesticated cats became responsible for keeping grain stores free of mice and other rodents. Today, cats can be found in 34% of American households, making them the most popular house pet in the United States.

Pet lifestyle expert and animal welfare advocate Colleen Paige established National Cat Day in 2005. In honor of the occasion, celebrate cats and the unconditional love and companionship they give to their owners. If you don’t own a cat, volunteer at your local animal shelter or make a donation. It’s the purrrrfect way to show you care!

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This catty blog is NOT endorsed in any way by the United States Postal Service.  They want nothing to do with it.

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Thai Massage: A Guide

iwritetheblogggs:

I can’t improve on these recommendations . . .

Originally posted on tastehitch:

Captain Edward J. Smith’s reported final words as the Titanic went down were ‘Be British boys, be British’.  He was not, as common sense would suggest, providing charades themes to members of the bridge crew nor making an early statement of support for comedy fascists (aka UKIP) but rather commenting on a British man’s most treasured and enduring quality. The stoic denial of personal discomfort, danger or fear and the suppression of outward display of these things. Reserved acceptance of one’s fate with upper lip firmly stiffened against the wind.

This is very much an idea rooted in the age of Empire. It smacks of Kitchener and Clive, of Livingston and Scott, of Baden-Powell and Lord Uxbridge (who, having had his right leg blown mostly off by French cannon fire shouted, ‘By God, sir, I’ve lost my leg!” to which Wellington replied “By God, so you have!”). Men who endured…

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Some Golf Courses You May Have Missed . . .

golf

There are some highly unusual and challenging golf courses around the world which the avid golfer will want to play during his or her lifetime. Here are 8 of them:

  1. Saint Glooks. Scotland. This 18-hole course is nestled in the Southern Mole Hills, just west of the quaint village of Malarkey. It features quicksand traps and is completely astro-turfed. Players are invited to stop in at the clubhouse for a traditional meal of fried haggis sandwiches and a mug of mucked hootchy-kootchy. Tipping is optional, but you better do it if you want to see your clubs again.
  2. McGolfs. California. You can supersize your golf score without any hassles at this express course. Order a dozen golf ball nuggets with an assortment of dipping sauces, or try their new mocha-flavored mashie niblick. Ronald will be your caddy.
  3. Broken Kneecaps. New Jersey. They admit to 18 holes, but the FBI alleges at least 25 more suspicious depressions in the ground where Mafia kingpins may have dropped their last birdie. It is suggested you rent a bullet-proof vest in the pro shop before venturing out on the greens. Guido and Frankie will be your bodyguards . . . er, caddies.
  4. Lazy Links. Florida. For the mature senior citizen who has earned the right to take it easy. You not only get a golf cart for yourself, but one for your ball; you never have to hit it – just place it in the golf cart provided and an attendant will drive it to the next hole and drop it in for you.
  5. Ole and Lena’s One-Holer. Minnesota. Yah, sure. Da easiest course in da Midvest, you betcha! Dat one-holer in da backyard ain’t exactly what yew might tink. Yust drink a big glass of prune yuice before you get here, by golly. Yew can’t miss. Uff da!
  6. Happy Luck Course of Golf. Thailand. You get a foot massage at every hole. Coconuts have to be played where they lay. During the monsoon the water hazards increase slightly, so you’ll play all 18 holes from a raft. The caddies all wear sarongs, and if you can keep your eye on the ball you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.
  7. El Golfo Corso. Argentina. The Argentines love to play golf. Between revolutions you can find them out on the golf course day and night. It’s no problem if you don’t speak Spanish; you can learn the standard curse words in a matter of minutes when you foozle a shot.
  8. Cleek Cloisters. Italy. This course is frequented by the Pope and his entourage. Miraculously, he never gets anything but a holiness-in-one. When you play it you’ll want to do as the Romans do; instead of yelling “Fore!” you’ll holler “Fortissimo!” The sand traps and grassy bunkers are no problem, but look out for the marinara pits! Some impetuous golfers have gone into them and never returned. If your ball hits a tenor singing La Donna Mobile you will be penalized two strokes.

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This hole in one is NOT brought to you by Carl’s Jr.  They are in no way, shape or form connected with it.

 

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